" The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, say this. " I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts." - Isaiah 57:15.
WHO AM I?
This mental battle plagues my inner and outer world so much that I struggle with this question. I wrestle, but I will only let you see me as "normal."
If I have problems, I'm seen as the "one" with "issues." If I have "issues," then I'm the one who is "broken." If i am "broken," then I'm sent to the doctor and labeled with a mental sickness and given pills to make me better. BUT I wish it was an antibiotic to kill this "sickness"...unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I'm stuck with this "illness," and all it's "issues," with no cure.
All my labels stack up, "problems, issues, broken, mental illness." These labels seem like military dog tags hanging around my neck or price tags of how much I'm worth that leave me vulnerable to be preyed upon by the bully or even the criminal. Who am I?
Does God really care about my anxiety?
The spiritual stigma follows because I can't keep up with all the happy one's experiencing God. I can't keep up with the scripture reading or even the verses I am supposed to be meditating on. I'm not trying to be disobedient, I just can't calm this anxiety against what I'm forcing myself to believe. Then, I'm afraid of God because I can't keep up... "I'm not enough." BUT then after the patience and understanding runs-out, I'm told that somehow my pain is a spiritual issue for one more touch of freedom, one more breakthrough. I feel alone suffering and waiting for God. My love remains steadfast for God and my friends, but my frustrations have turned into, "Am I ever enough?" And now I am afraid of God...if this how it should be with a loving God?
I see campaigns, the brochures, and hear I'm not alone...but why do I feel like I'm the project, the cause for the healthy, and still I sit alone? Who am I?
The TRUTH:
'Who am I?' Does God really care? This is really more knowing the character and truth of the One says to us, "I AM and I dwell with you."
God sees the pain and draws close to us... He is not intimidated by our human condition and all its frailties. He see no labels, nor does He use them! How does He see us?
He equates His own glorious dwelling, His presence, with the lowly and contrite. His glorious nature is attracted to the weak, broken, beaten and down trodden, those weighed down with a deplorable burden of unworthiness, guilt, shame, and those who are distraught from the unrelenting afflictions. He dwells with those who have lost hope! If this is a law within His Kingdom, then this is the law of His comfort, His law of redeeming love for justice! If we were to explore and imagine what the Great I AM would proclaim...He might say...
"This is where I AM and where you will find Me! This is where I AM, not to fix them, but to love abundantly, renewing and releasing them from every chain, heavy weight, removing the painful yokes and the countless burdens their afflictions have caused! I will renew them from any and all past afflictions! I have wept for them and I AM with them now!"
"I will remove their labels and give them every bit of My worth... I AM proclaiming new title of favor and glory for them...to Me they are Holy, Beloved, Pure, Delightful, Beautiful, and My absolute Joy! I AM with them, I AM singing to them, I AM cheering for them, I AM interceding for them. When you look at them...you will see Me. If you judge them, you judge ME! If you love them, you love Me! She is mine...he is mine.
"This is how the Kingdom of God works...and I AM taking delight in giving it to them. Yes, they are part of my plan and my full inheritance! In this Kingdom there are no labels...instead just a gigantic banner of love over them."
I can imagine Him saying this...can you?
Who am I? It's not what culture, stigma, or what other people label or say. Sure He knows the "diagnosis" and what they "think". This isn't to say that we should forgo the recovery care and the whole process, but rather as we go through this journey, we can trust Him to be right there with us and know He is looking at us with affectionate delight, because I am the value of Himself.
Who am I?...well, I'm learning to turn my "am I" questions into "I am" statements.
Today..."I am enough!"...because that is how He looks at me!
Let's Pray:
Heavenly Father,
When I feel crushed by my own worries, lift my mind and help me to see the truth. When fear grips me tight and I feel I cannot move, free my heart and help me to take things one step at a time. When I can't express the turmoil inside, calm me with Your quiet words of love. I choose to trust in You, each day, each hour, each moment of my life. I know deep down that I live in Your grace, forgiven, restored by Your sacrifice. You have set me free.
Amen.
With Love,
"B"
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