Friday, May 18, 2018

I struggle...a personal story


 I am a Wife, Mom, Mentor, Business Woman, College student, a child of God....yet I suffer from anxiety and depression. It's not something that I asked for, it came with the territory of suffering with Fibromyalgia. I don't think anyone just goes to the store and asks for a dose of anxiety along with a side of depression. It happens and it is very hard to cope with. It affects not only me, but my whole life.

I can remember when I was much happier and could participate in life. Now it is a constant struggle every moment of the day. I have days when I just want to lay there and see or talk to no one. It would be fine by me to come home and go straight to bed from work. I have done so, because my anxiety and depression have consumed me so much that I struggle each moment of the day. 

I find myself in a place of exhaustion, sadness, almost to the point of panic. There are times that I just cry for no reason and its frustrating. I know if it is frustrating to me it definitely is for the rest of my family. Especially since I don't know how they can help me. I find them in a state of confusion, because I choose to be alone, even though they have done nothing wrong. 

I can remember when I used to love to go shopping all day. Didn't have to buy a thing, just be out doing something. Now...I don't want to leave the house...don't want any interaction with people. That is so not me...but apparently it has become me. 

My husband will tell you that I have always been an introvert, which is true, but not like I am now. I am sometimes so grumpy I can't stand myself and find it best to just go to bed and sleep. Sleep....that is all I want to do...it helps with my pain, lowers anxiety, and don't feel the depression. But what kind of life is that? It's not a life...

Yes I take medications to help me, but it is not a cure all. I have often even asked God why am I going through this? I have missed church because I can't do what they call "people today." But I can always God....

John 12:46 states, "I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness."  This is a verse that I recall each day in hopes of some kind of positive step forward. It is a reminder that I'm not alone in this battle. 

Each day I have to force myself to do the normal daily routine....I just don't want to, but something in me says put on that fake smile, the "I'm Fine...and move forward. I feel guilty in having these issues, but they are real and I continue to fight these demons 24/7. So I look for scripture that uplifts me for even a moment. 

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

I realize that I am not the only woman who suffers this kind of debilitating illness, that makes you not the person you used to be. 

But in writing this post I hope that people can pray for not only me, but others as well. 

In time God, will somehow help me rise up again and when he does it will be a beautiful day. 

Love, 

B